My husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer in April 2011 and in May 2011 his prostate was removed. His cancer was very aggressive (8’s), so there was an urgency to get the cancer out before it escaped the prostate. Doctor’s were successful and my husband is cancer free today.
But in May of 2011 both of our lives changed. Changes to his body not only affected him, but me as well.
His last erection was May 2011, and the last time we had “real sex” was in May 2011. He tried medication, but unfortunately it failed. His doctor’s made other recommendations but we agreed not to go that route.
Please don’t misunderstand me, my husband has sexual urges occasionally (a lot less than before) and I make sure he climaxes, but I get nothing in return.
I tried talking to him about my needs but he either changes the subject or get very angry. His aggression and anger level has increased since the surgery.
Here lies the problem: Coping with this facet of prostate cancer is not being addressed. The wives/girlfriends have no place to go to get help. I have talked to his doctors and my own doctors and there are no support group specifically for the wives/girlfriends of prostate cancer survivors. (I had one of my doctors actually suggest that I lower my hormone level so I don’t have an urge to have sex. Can you believe it?)
I found several cancer support groups and when I called, none of them deal specifically with the women—the other victim of prostate cancer. They all invited me to join a group, but when I told them that I wanted to discuss what the other wives/girlfriends do about sex now that their men are unable or unwilling to accomodate them sexually, I was told that it wouldn’t be appropriate to discuss that topic in these meetings, another suggested I call another cancer support group, and another suggested that I start my own group. If I was an expert and knew what to do about being the “other victim” of prostate cancer believe me I would start a support group.
As of late, I have found a private counselor for myself, just so I can vent my frustrations. So I can talk to someone and find ways to cope with living with no more “real sex” or any sex for that matter (except with myself), and an angry man.
If your only response to my journal entry is to suggest a battery operated tool for me or shots and pumps for him, please spare me. This is not a joke. It’s real.
When women get breast, ovarian or cervical cancers, they can still have “real sex” and the lives of their men can go unchanged.
When men get prostate cancer,it affects both of us and somehow that fact is being overlooked.

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